::Thursday, October 20, 2005::
i dont know where to start. i guess over the years ive learned to take care of myself in a way. im a semi-tough kid and if im bummed, i can get over it in my own way, although its usually an unhealthy way that results in bottle up anger that i am lectured on regularly. i know im loved by some, and thats awesome and i love you too. surprisingly i have bundles of love inside of me and i like to think that it radiates at times. i genuinely dont know how this all came up and it may seem random to some, but i suck at receiving love. its baffling to me why someone would choose to love me. its a strange thing. i guess ive began to depend on myself instead of God sometimes, and in some ways, ive stopped trusting people. compliments are lies. i remember a time when i played guitar at youth. it was a long time ago and i wasnt very good. i knew it. in a logical sense, as in i couldnt hit the chords right. everyone told me i did well, not because i did well, but because they wanted to comment and fill the silence. in situations like this, i have learned that there are ways to comment without lying or butchering someones heart. maybe this is over everyones head, but its my blog and i can ramble to the extent of my choice. anyways, because of my stubborn ways, i find it impossible to accept chivalry, affection, comliments, and love. ive gotten a vibe from some people that this is a bad thing, but ive always said before that it shouldnt affect them and i can say whatever i want. i think back to this one time when i sang a song at church and mom told justin how amazing it was. i was so embarrassed and automatically corrected her by saying that i was off key the entire song. i said she had to think that cuz shes my mom. the phrase "you have to say that" is the phrase that makes justin want to bite my head off. i never realized that putting myself down affected so many other people around me. i guess its a blunt way of saying that their words dont have value in my heart. i never realized that some things i say are lies. im not one to think highly of myself, but ive told people that the grad dress i bought doesnt look that good on me. im not saying it does, but its not super bad at least. i dunno. i guess im having a bit of a revelation and i need to rant it out. no, i dont feel worthy of love and affection. why did justin choose to be my boyfriend? i have no clue. its baffling cuz he could do way better, seriously. but when he says hes happy to be with me i should believe him. its not like some conspiracy against hailey thing, its for real. im new at this stuff. anyways, no, this blog is not fishing for compliments. its simply a rant to belt out some inner demons ive had for awhile. i love you all ina big way!
:: 10:05 AM::
::Hailey Jeanne::
girl| OXOXOXOXOXOX | femme | loves | piano | guitar | long romantic walks on the beach |
writing| singing | pineapple | the color orange | white chocolate | family | my roomie | laughing out loud | blowing bubbles | smiling | Softsoap Milk & Honey body wash | making up my own words |
